A New Kind Of Self Loathing
by WrightHeart
Summary: Casey has not been herself. Derek will not be the first to admit it, but something has changed. Will he fight for her? Can Casey come back from her self imprisonment? Between all that has happened in the past, can you really move forward?
1. Everything To Nothing

**AN****: I do not own anything Life With Derek related except this story.**

**Summary:** **Casey has not been herself. Derek will not be the first to admit it, but something has changed. Will he fight for her? Can Casey come back from her self imprisonment? Between all that has happened in the past can you really move forward? Please R&R**

My heart races and my stomach churns. I want to stop but I don't dare, after all this is what I deserve. This is what I need.

I wipe the blood off my arm with toilet tissue, being careful not to get the red substance on my shirt. The last thing I need is for Lizzie or Emily to take notice. After rolling down my sleeve, I put away my trustee compass and walk out the bathroom stall, confidently away from the scene of the crime.

The school hallway is a zoo, it's refreshing. People bump into me left and right, signifying that I am literally nonexistent. The only proof of me being here is the pain in my forearm.

It's funny how one second you're the center of everything and the next you're nothing. For days people threw Klutzilla at me and invited me to parties because of Max. Now though, I'm just a face in the crowd. Not even Derek's annoying stepsister.

I make it to math before anyone, even the teacher. I settle in my seat, keeping focus on the throbbing of my arm.

"Spacey!" Derek ruins my concentration.

"Yes?" I unpack my bag in an attempt not to give him eye contact.

"Last night was fun." I can feel him smirking; feel his ego break new barriers of height. My stomach churns again. "I didn't know you had that in you Spacey- you know the nerve to break feminism and sleep with another girl's boyfriend."

"Great. See you at home." I keep my response short and flat. "Where is that pen?" I feign distraction.

"Hey babe!" In walks Kendra. She is all the 123 pounds of high school popularity I only knew of for fifteen minutes. I keep my eyes in my bag as I hear the two teens lip smack each other.

What happened last night was an all new low. A low I thought I would never stoop to but gratefully did. A new kind of self loathing had emerged from it and I cannot be anymore humbled by it. Granted I did feel sorry for what I did to Kendra but at the same time it was what I deserved.

"Get a room you two!" Ralph yells out as the rest of the class comes in.

"Yes I agree." Mr. Gilmour declares. I take my books out of the bag and look at the board. Ignoring my peers, Derek and Kendra- just like they all ignore me.

Mr. Gilmour begins his lesson and everyone settles down. Questions are asked, hands rise up, notes are taken. In a matter of what feels like seconds the class is almost over, time has flied. I reach over my desk and squeeze my arm. I let out a gasp in pain. It only attracts Derek's attention.

"You okay?" He whispers, slightly leaning in. I don't react to his question but instead scribble a math equation in my notebook. I was not in need of his kindness or worry. The bell rings and I am the first one out.

The hallway fills to capacity. I get shuffled around as I make the way to my locker. The pain in my arm is starting to dwindle, it's too soon.

"Casey are you okay?" Derek appears at my shoulder. It scares me out of thought.

"Leave me alone Derek." I state without looking over at him. Somehow with him standing next to me the crowds of teenagers around me lightens up. It annoys me how people run out of his way when he's walking. It's not like he's a king or anything. Yet, then again this is high school.

"I would but then Nora and Dad would be on me about why you aren't . . . you, so can you fill me in?" He puts his arm around me and winks at a cheerleader. His weight leans on me, causing my shoulder to buckle a little. "Casey?" I quickly push his arm off.

"Just because I let you in last night doesn't mean you're welcome in my personal space." I snap in a whisper. "If you want to sleep with me again, fine but don't act like you're a good stepbrother or feign that you are worried about me. I'll let you in my pants without the phony act." Derek stops in his tracks. I don't look back, but keep moving forward.

"Princess I have never heard you so blunt and crass."He calls out. People in the hallway give me side eyes and glances but I don't care. Not anymore at least.


	2. The Lies

****AN****: I do not own anything Life With Derek related except this story.****

**Derek P.O.V.**

"Huddle up boys!" Coach whistles for the team to ring it in.

It's the start of hockey practice and already the air is filled with tension. The Championship is coming close and he had been on us more than ever. As I skate over, I see the bags under his eye and the pink in them. The stress has really got him going.

"What do you think this huddle is about?" Sam sighs as he hustles across the ice.

"Beats me. Maybe he's going to extend today's practice an extra hour or maybe arrange for a morning practice." Which would be great actually because then I'd get out of driving Casey to school. She'd been less Grade Grubber lately and while it was great to get a break from the old her it was becoming a real drag. I'd pick fights with her and she'd do nothing. Just let it roll of her back.

"Hurry up ladies!" Coach hollers. The rest of the team picks up speed and soon we are all standing around him in a circle. "Took you all long enough."

"Yes Coach!" We all agree unanimously.

"Now I've noticed that we have all fallen behind and seeing as how far we've come this year, I am not willing to let this continue." He clears his throat. "We are going to have morning practice starting tomorrow morning promptly at 7:30 am and every other day." A low moan of groans sweeps the stadium. "I thought you ladies might enjoy that." Coach smirks. "On top of the new practice, I'm adding a new goalie. No offense Barnes but offense." He whistles and the rink door swings open. An Olympian skates in. Tall, muscular, strong jawed, curly haired and green eyed. "This is Dodger ladies. A transfer from I don't know or care where. All I do know is that this man can block." Coach slaps Hart on the back. "Venturi!"

"Yes Coach!" I reply swiftly.

"You are going to show this fine gentleman the ropes." He nods proudly. "Dodger this is your Captain, you two are going to need to know each other like a book. A mirror!" He emphasizes. "I need you two to be in sync." I give a head nod to the new guy and he gives it back. "Great! Now drills, all of you!" I skate over to Dodger.

"What's your first name?" Coach has this thing about calling us all by our last names. I feel sorry for the kid.

"Hart." He says confidently. I raise my eyebrow.

"Hart Dodger? That's your name?" He smirks at my question.

"My dad has high hopes." Hart answers with a laugh. "Plus it makes the girls go crazy."

"I bet." I slap him on the back. "Let's hockey shall we?"

**Emily P.O.V.**

I'm sitting in Casey's room waiting for her to come back from the bathroom. She is supposed to be helping me study for history, but all she's done in the past two hours is ignore my questions and run to bathroom.

"Is everything okay?" She re-enters the room, her face a little flushed.

"Yeah I'm fine Em." She sits in the chair at her desk, returning to her own textbooks. I don't believe her for one second.

"Are you sure?" I pry. "Because you haven't really been present all afternoon and you keep running to the bathroom." Casey doesn't react. "Casey!"

"I'm fine okay." She answers evenly. "I just ate something bad at lunch."

I stare at the back of her head. Her body and eyes were avoiding contact with me. She stayed looking at her books. It wasn't like Casey to do that, rather to do this.

"Casey mom needs you." Lizzie comes into the room. "She says something about chores?" Casey sighs and get up from her desk.

"Be back Emily." In a second she's out of the room, leaving me and her sister alone.

"Is Casey . . . the same to you?" I ask curiously. "Has she said anything or . . . done anything?" Lizzie shrugs.

"Not really, why? Is she okay?" Lizzie gets suspicious.

"It's nothing really." I feign. "She was supposed to help me with this History thing but got busy . . . or rather bored."

"Bored?" She repeats. "When is Casey ever bored?" I hear Lizzie's gears moving.

"You know what? It's nothing; she just had a bad lunch at school." I start to pack up my stuff, preparing for a quick exit.

"Are you sure Emily?" Lizzie asks worriedly. "If there is something wrong with my sister, I need to know."

"Honestly she's fine Lizzie." I look to her reassuringly. "I'm just stressed about this history exam. I've got to go. Tell her I said bye okay?" Before Lizzie can get more out of me, I dash out of the room and out of the house.

**Casey P.O.V.**

It's dinner and I can't bring myself to eat; between the meatloaf, macaroni and peas, my fork is hitting nothing. It just moves back and forth across my plate, but it doesn't move near my mouth or scoop anything up.

I look around and see everyone's content faces, their pointless conversations. It drives me mute. What do I have to contribute, do I even care? I don't think I do.

"Casey are you not hungry?" Mom asks. She leans into me, giving my meal a glance over.

"Not really. I had a big lunch." I lie easily, dropping my fork for emphasis.

"But Emily said you had a bad lunch." Lizzie spills. I fight the urge to scowl. Why were Emily and Lizzie talking? About me no less!

"She must have misheard me. I mean we don't even have the same lunch period, so how would she know?" I state my case without problem. Lizzie eyes me a bit, but I just squeeze my arm. The pain from the last cut bringing me back to a safe place.

"I guess . . ." Lizzie begins to doubt. I inwardly smirk as my defense is accepted.

"But isn't Emily like your best friend?" Derek speaks through a mouth full of meatloaf. "I mean she does know like everything about you, so why would she be wrong?" He smirks and I hate him. "You tell her everything right?" I pinch my arm.

"That's true but sometimes she misunderstands things." I remind him. "I can't tell you how many times we've miscommunicated in the past."

"Oh do tell Princess." He opens the door for me to continue. I don't show panic or distress.

"I don't have to explain my relationship with my best friend to you nor do I have to defend it." I rise up from the table. "I'm done with dinner mom. Goodnight." I head to my room, away from the questions.

**Derek P.O.V.**

There it was again: her lying. What's worse is that she's getting good- real good. Not to mention she didn't challenge me again! This new Casey is not cool. Yet, she is better than the old Casey . . . but still not cool.

"I hope she gets enough rest." Nora worries looking up the stairs.

"I'm sure she's fine Nora," Dad calms. "You know how she gets around midterms. Give her a day or two and before you know it she'll be back to her old Casey self."

"I hope not." I quip.

"Derek." Dad warns.

"I'm just saying!" I throw up my hands. "These past couple of weeks have been pretty nice. She's not nagging me, over analyzing you Dad, allowing Lizzie to fend for herself, letting Marti color outside the lines, and Edwin the chance to try out his smooth moves." I pause at my words. "Scratch that last one." Edwin tosses a pea at me.

"That's the point Derek." Lizzie frowns. "She's not doing anything she used to do. She's not helping anyone."

"You call what she does 'helping'?" Was Lizzie serious? I know sisterly love exists but come on. "You have to admit Lizzie: her helping has got us all-"

"I'm not saying her helping was the best but it was something rather than nothing." She deems. Everyone's face reads deep thought. This was not happening.

"The new Casey is fine and all of you need to calm down." I push away from the table. "If Marti were not at a sleepover she'd agree."

"You're best witness is a little girl?" Lizzie points out.

"A little girl who knows big things." I shoot her a wink.


End file.
